


Something Isn't There

by SkeleStars



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Gift Fic, Journal Entries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 16:21:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19445113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkeleStars/pseuds/SkeleStars
Summary: Loren remembers something that isn't there. What's happening to her?





	Something Isn't There

Loren's diary, 24 of May, 19xx.

I'm not sure when it began.

The nights when I woke up, yearning for something that wasn't there, even as I awoke with my husband by my side. Once, I woke from a fever dream and thought, this isn't my husband.

But then, who was?

I would wake with flashes of pale blue, the color comforting. Well, then it was overtaken by darkness as I remembered the car crash.

But then... I didn't remember. I must have crashed into a green car and the shredded metal slashed me across the face, but I don't remember any car noises. No screeching of metal, no airbags, no bodily harm. Other than claw marks.

It went on like this. Dreams of space and horror, only the bare wisps of emotion left when I awoke. Once, I woke up sobbing. Why? I had... this ache, deep in my chest. I was missing something, someone. And it wasn't my son. It wasn't my husband.

Who was it?

The memories wouldn't leave me alone. I went to the store, and heard the clattering of hooves- not hooves, just cans hitting the floor. But the reaction was there, when I heard it. I turned, expecting to say hello to someone I loved. But then it was gone as soon as it arrived, and I wondered why I had thought the sound was hooves in the first place.

Champ turned the tv on by accident the other day. It scared the life out of me, and a name came to my tongue in fear. Before I could say it, though, it disappeared and left me with a feeling of anxiety and paranoia. What did it mean? I was sure it was just a fluke, but why did the name envelop me with terror after I had been so calm moments before?

My therapist says this diary will help me get through my day easier. Just writing down my thoughts. Well, not writing. I can't see. It's a tape recorder, a novelty, but helpful nonetheless. I'll record another entry tomorrow.

25 of May, 19xx

It happened again. Why? Why do I keep waking up, yearning for someone? A specific person who's name is right there on the tip of my tongue, right after I wake up from the calming blue color. It happened a bit like this.

I can't remember exact details, but I felt such a strong sense of love, if a little detached. My head was cool, like there was something against it, and I felt... warm. Like I was hugging something soft. Obviously my pillow, but my mind had assigned it to something else in my dream. Right before I woke up, there was that flash of blue and a sense of profound sorrow before I sat straight up in bed, my eyes and cheeks wet with tears. What did it all mean? Why is this happening to me? Why did I wake up feeling like there was a hole in my heart?

2 of June, 19xx

It's been a while since I recorded anything, but today was the strangest thing. I heard a voice in my head. I'm not crazy. It wasn't talking to me, I know that. There was a voice in my head, and it was so horrible. I felt it before I heard it. Like a slimy sheet of oil draped over my heart. It said, "Catch them, damn you all!" Before it was silent again, as if what I'd heard was an accident. Normal people would just brush this off as a weird thing in the brain, but I can't help but feel like I know that voice.

(Pause for 34.6 seconds.)

It's just... I don't know. I can't get it out of my head. Like... ugh!

(Sound of banging on her desk.)

I don't understand! I feel like I should KNOW this! Like I should... UGH!! There's something missing here, I swear to god! Every time I reach for it it dangles out of my hands!

5 of June, 19xx

There's something strange happening to me.

The other night I heard a voice. Not out loud. Not in my head either. A voice, vibrating through my every cell and speaking as if into my soul. It said, "Are you ready, Loren?" What does... why am I always asking myself this? Why am I always asking what something means? Why is everything so hard to comprehend?

I just want things to go back to normal. When I was just a blind woman living with her dog.

July 15, 19xx

I haven't recorded anything in here in a long time. I should start at the beginning, huh? Okay, so- I can see now. I can see again. I won't be turning this one into the therapist, that's for sure. I don't have a lot of time.

(Sounds of running footsteps.)

There's- my son. My son. God. He's- he's a bird. He's a bird and he's run away from my brother and sister in law. He's a BIRD. I was a bird. I... I don't know what happened. I transformed into a bird and I could see. Then- then the- oh god.

(Horn honking can be heard.)

Shit!! Bastard almost hit me-- the name, the name of that- that evil feeling- it's Visser Three. He's tried to kill me before. I know it. I don't know how or when, but... my son, my boy Tobias tells me that turning into the bird fixed my body. My DNA restored, so the crash essentially never happened. I don't understand. Some alien technology.

But if I'm back to the way my DNA was before, why can't I remember anything before the crash? It should have fixed my head trauma.

July 16, 19xx

I'm in a valley of sorts. Weird creatures are all around me. Hork Bajir, Tobias called them. I can't get over the fact that he's a bird. I really can't. My son... I had to give him up. Would this have happened if I hadn't? He doesn't look anything like my husband, when he... turns human. He tells me it's because my husband wasn't his father. He doesn't know how either, but somehow... I fell in love with... an alien. Yeah. What? What does that even MEAN? Okay. So, he says that he got a letter from his father. The name fills me with something... something like joy, or hope. Elfangor. Just saying it makes me... sad, almost. I told Tobias I couldn't remember him even now, and he swore and said something about an Ellimist.

When I asked him how he was born if his father wasn't human, he laughed. "He morphed human, mom. And he stayed that way. Like how I'm a bird now. He stayed that way for you, I reckon."

So now I've got that to worry about. Married to an alien, what a good sitcom name. Coming to NBC, this summer. How does one fall in love with an alien in the first place? I guess I did it, because Tobias is adamant that's what happened. So now I'm here, living in a valley of aliens who look like they want to eat me yet eat trees.

(Voice sounds off a ways.) Mom?

Yes, Tobias, give me a second. I guess that concludes my recording. Who knows, maybe I'll keep doing this.

July 18, 19xx

I spoke to my son's friends. They're the only force here that's saving the world, at least until the Andalites come. Tobias told me to not mention Elfangor to them if they do show up.

This is ridiculous! Children! Kids fighting a bloody war for survival and nobody to talk to. I've taken up asking each and every one of them if they're alright and want to talk every time I see them. I'm mostly worried about that Jake. He's the leader, anyone can see it. He's got haunted eyes. The eyes my father had. Jake isn't going to come back from this war. I know that.

But can't a woman try to nudge some of that childlike innocence back into him?

I heard them talking about plans. War plans, strategies, their final blows on the Yeerks. It was terrifying, seeing this 15 year old boy acting like... a Sargent. And the others, including my son, listen to him so intensely that I almost forgot they were kids.

They're so brave. But I can't help but think this battle isn't theirs. But... I also can't help but think that I was like that too, once. It's the strangest feeling, looking at them and seeing myself. It's like... I was in their position once.

My head is starting to hurt, thinking about this. It usually throbs, but for some reason, grasping at memories that aren't there has caused a splitting migraine. I feel like I should remember something, anything about this mysterious alien named Elfangor. Who I supposedly had a son with. I, Loren, mother of Tobias and owner of Champ, am signing off.

July 23, 19xx

I spoke to the aliens called Hork Bajir. Well, one of them, named Jara. He seems nice enough, I suppose. He has the speech pattern of a five year old, but his daughter is on par with an adult human. Toby, named after my own son. She's smart as a whip and quick as one, too. I shared my crossword puzzle with her and she loved it! She couldn't really hold the pencil, though, so she called out the words as I wrote. God, she's big. They're all so huge. It's a little terrifying, but I've been assured time and time again that they're good people, and that they won't hurt me.

Another Hork Bajir, she has a baby. Her name is Kerava, and her baby is Kalash. He's a cute little thing, actually. She let me hold him. He was smooth and pebbly, like a snake, and since his spikes hadn't grown in yet he was safe to hold.

"He's very soft." I said, gently petting his back.

His mother smiled, a strange enough sight. "Babies soft. Adult, not so much." And she held out her arm for me to stroke.

When I did, she felt scratchy, like more of an iguana, a dry, pebbly feeling. It was so interesting! I can't wait to learn more about them.

30 July, 19xx

It's happened. (Sigh. Pause for 14.5 seconds.) One of the kids has... one of the kids has died. Rachel. Tobias seemed the most broken. I think he loved her. He's a bird, and he can't cry, but he morphed human and let me hold him. We're holding a burial for her. She wanted to be cremated. My boy will spread her ashes somewhere beautiful, somewhere she would have loved.

(Crying can be heard.)

I just... it's not fair. For Naomi and her other two daughters. For Tobias, and Jake and Cassie. God, Cassie. Her best friend. I can't do this.

(Sobbing.)

Those poor kids... is this all that awaits them? Death in an inglorious fashion? All for a planet that doesn't even know their sacrifice? I can't do this. I can't. Hey, Champ. Heard me crying, h-huh, bud?

(Dog whimpers can be heard.)

Shh, I know, bud. I know. But... it'll be okay. It has to be, right? If it's not okay, it's not the end. But... it... this war... it has to end sometime. Whether it be by our destruction or or the Yeerks. Are the Andalites even coming? Will I be trapped in this valley forever, with these aliens, and these poor children and their families? Will we never be in society again? See a movie? Eat fast food? I'm losing my mind a little here. Those children... they're going to die. I begged them to stop, to just wait this out.

But Jake shook his head. The other refused as well. He told me, "This only gives us more of a reason to keep going." His brother died in the battle too, I heard. Rachel... ended his life. At least he isn't suffering anymore.

But now I wonder what the definition of suffering is. Is it being alive with no freedom? Or is it living having never protected what you love?

This is Loren. Signing off for the last time. This thing's batteries are almost fried.


End file.
